Yesterday was my birthday and it was the best birthday I’ve had in as long as I remember…so why am I so miserable today? Why am I more self conscious than I’ve been in a while. I spent so much time today wondering if I was weird…if I was cool - Not in a “I’m still in high school and i want to be friends with the cool kids way” but in a “I’m 20 years old and if I’m still socially awkward, I’m going to be socially awkward for the rest of my life.” I wondered if I was cool in a “wow, she seems so chill, I want to get to know her more” way. I wondered if Kahlil doesn’t like me because I was too weird when we smoked…and if Armani unfollowed me because I tweet too much and don’t live enough in real life. I wondered if Morgan didn’t love me because I was too corny, or because I was too quick to give him everything without keeping anything for myself. I wondered if someone would meet me and be in awe.
When Shannon told me about Montez’ reaction to me at BSC, it made me much happier than I feel like it should. The issue is that I only seem to get that kind of attention from people who I have no future with. People who live far away or just aren’t my type. I know everyone says that the stars will align and I’ll fall for someone who loves me and we’ll get married and all that shit…but I’m 20. Twenty years old and single but in a decade I want to be married with kids. And that’s scary…it’s fucking terrifying.
I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, unsure of myself in almost every aspect of my life, and at twenty years old I don’t think I’ve ever felt this vulnerable without having a legitimate reason. I need a change of scene, a change in the people I surround myself with - not because I don’t love them, but because I need to know that I’m not weird. I need to know that I can interact with people without feeling the anxiety I’ve been feeling.
I’m now 20. And I don’t want to hit 30 without feeling like I’ve lived my 20s the right way. I’ll never be this young and wild and free and whatever. I just want to feel needed.
I’m 20 and I’m scared.